Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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