Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
