Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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