I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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