i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
