I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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