theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
