I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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