Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
