I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im six kinds of drunk right now
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
