I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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