How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
