im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
