you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
