I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My bed smells like the plague
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
