Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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