i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
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I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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