No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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