i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
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...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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