I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
