Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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