My sheets look like a crime scene.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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