dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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