I just found puke in my bra..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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