she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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