A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
