Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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