Fine. I'll sleep in my office
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
