Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
