Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
