Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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