ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
