just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I told you penises don't tan
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.