can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.