Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
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We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.