Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
