is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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