Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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