I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
