Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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