Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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