I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
