I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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