So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
