what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
