there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
