Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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