im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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