I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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