he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
