You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
soo... how was my night?
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