Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
