He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
