____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
time to smoke my breakfast
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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