How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
