Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
