i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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